


The Exorcism and Subsequent Friendships of Tom Riddle

by anthroxagorus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bible talk, Domestic Kink, Friendship is Magic, Rating subject to change, blasphemy!, crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22023538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthroxagorus/pseuds/anthroxagorus
Summary: Sometimes a cranky dark wizard just needs a good ole exorcism to set him straight. And a few good friends.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

_"The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations, and events have been changed."_

Voldemort (AKA: You-Know-Who, The Darkest of Dark Lords, The Wizard Version of Hitler) lay gasping in middle of the salt circle, trembling visibly from head to toe. He didn't move for several minutes, staring vaguely up at the ever-changing Hogwarts ceiling. Harry, frozen in place, didn't dare move either, tambourines poised high in the air. An eerie breeze started under his white robes about his sensibilities. Had he... succeeded? Should he keep chanting? He glanced at his two best friends who were holding a bushel of herbs in each hand; clearly as startled as he was. Further in the foreground the entire Order were posed in fighting stance.

And then the man slowly rose; Harry watched as Voldemort's hands felt his head, completely devoid of hair, trailing gradually further and then back up before his eyes. "I'm free,"he croaked, completely unaware of anyone else in the room. Voldemort tilted his head and saw the imagery of rain dancing on the ceiling. He closed his eyes as if experiencing the sensation, the sobering thought of his freedom finally achieved. "Gods..." he croaked, raising his hands up to whatever deity that had come into play. "Merlin..."

Harry was rendered speechless as tears fell from the man. He gaped, tried to get his jaw to work, but lost any chance when the man turned to him, saw the robe, the Bible, the holy water - in a second was clinging to him, _praising_ him, _thanking_ him. Harry stiffened and glanced sideways at his friends to affirm of what they were witnessing was actually happening. Their faces were relaxing.

A slow smile elicited from the pair.

Harry Potter's head was yanked over-enthusiastically back in Voldemort's direction as the man shook his hand as if this was his lifeline. "H-How do I repay you?" he whispered. "How? How could I _ever.-_ "

"Never thought a day like this would come..." Remus Lupin said, being the first of the Order to speak. And then Ron fell back and let out a hollow laugh filled with pure relief. Hermione launched herself at Harry and fiercely hugged him, as if to transfer a bit of strength into the stunned boy.

"You _did_ it, Harry. You _did it_!"she chanted and others joined in.

Harry's legs gave out at that moment, and from pure shock, the world went black; he lost complete consciousness.

* * *

It didn't seem like anything that could have been invented in Harry's mind - the very idea of a broken, grateful ex-mass murderer - it really had to be a dream. At least, that's what Harry expected when he opened his eyes the next morning and woke in the Hogwarts hospital ward. Obviously that he'd knocked his head too hard in a Quidditch match or Draco had cursed him unconscious. (Again.)

Harry honestly wouldn't have believed any of it if he hadn't woken up to see a tall figure resting on the left side of his bed with his long legs tucked underneath the bed and his arms making a bony pillow for his head. Waiting, Harry assumed, for him to wake up. On the other side, both Ron and Hermione were settled in chairs at something of a distance.

Madame Pomfrey, a nurse he had grown rather close to in all his time in the hospital wing, rushed a potion to him the moment she noticed him awake. He gulped half of it down without question and felt the dull ache in the back of his head releasing and energy in his limbs returning once more.

"Oy," Harry muttered, tapping the bottle against the man's elbow. "You might want a drink of this."

Tom Riddle, former possessed psychopath, rose his head and blinked at Harry, then rubbed his eyes, yawned, and finally grabbed the bottle. He looked again at Harry questioningly who motioned for him to go ahead and take a sip, which he did in the next instance, then grinned as he polished it off.

"Amazing. That is absolutely amazing! Is there more?"

Poppy sized the creature up at Harry's bedside, which he really couldn't blame her for. Tom was a real sight with his red eyes and flattened nose, the rest of him a walking skeleton. And that whole being the former Dark Lord thing. The genuine smile helped somewhat, but he was otherwise kind of unnerving.

"I had to thank you. Again,” Riddle announced, by way of explaining his presence. He climbed sheepishly out of Harry's bed and stood beaming at Harry.

"You're, er, welcome," Harry acknowledged.

"This is bizarre. _Way_ bizarre," Ron muttered from far across the room.

"Y-You might want to have a proper rest in a real bed," Hermione spoke up. "The effects of the exorcism may have been taxing on the, on your vessel, i-in the process of wrenching apart the other soul that resided within it."

Tom Riddle grinned broadly at the girl, sending a visible shiver down her spine. The expression was hardly menacing but coupled with the face that grin was on... it was hard to see past. "Rest on such a beautiful day? I couldn't possibly! Should we all go for a walk? Oh, please say we should!"

"And dance in a field of flowers?" Ron asked.

"Even better!"

"I'm afraid that is not an option," Madame Pomfrey spoke up. With visible strain, she fixed her gaze at, well, _You-Know-Who._ "Despite the current situation, the Ministry of Magic has ordered me to keep you here until one of its members can verify for your..."

"Ex-murdering condition?" Ron supplemented.

"Well, yes," the nurse agreed.

"Bugger..." The man sat back and rested his back on the hospital walls. “Could we possibly ask the house elves for some Turkish delights?”

With no other course in mind - as classes had been cancelled for the reminder of the year - the trio shrugged and called out for Dobby.

* * *

Kinglsey Shacklebolt glanced at Remus Lupin who glanced at Sirius Black who winked back at Remus Lupin who in turn glanced at Nymphadora Tonks who winked back at Remus Lupin who gave up this glancing business and asked Harry Potter. “We're ready then?”

“Have at him!” Harry said confidently, stepping away from the Notorious Lord Voldemort. Kingsley came forward and looked the terrified man in his red eyes.

“Open your mouth wide.”

He obliged.

Kinglsey brought his wand in front of him, whispered _Lumos_ and peered into the depths for several tense minutes. He then straightened up and allowed the man to close his mouth once more.

“Well! It appears all the evil's gone!”

Cheers broke out.

Turkish delight was enjoyed.

* * *

The whole thing had started as a joke really, that Voldemort was the spawn of Satan. Hermione and Harry had had a good laugh over it, but, in explaining the concept to Ron, it didn't sound so farfetched. The idea that Volde- well, Tom Riddle, had been demon possessed seemed to make some sort of sense, not that Harry was religious or anything. He had, however, seen _The Omen_ and _The Exorcist_ and handful of related movies which his dear aunt and uncle showed him in a desperate hope to repress his magic and those movies all seemed to tell him one thing: The entity Voldemort had been a demon all along, possessing the body of Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. for Merlin knows how long. Hermione had concluded that the demon had fed off the pain and misery that an orphaned child would've surely been full of – the magic inside him had acted as a beacon that read “I'm one fucked up and easily impressionable kid!”

It was astounding really and even more so that Tom had still existed in some part in the rebirth of his vessel, but as far as the trio could figure, the demon needed the earth body or soul or something like that. It went over Harry's head a bit.

He expected to have himself completely in the wrong, that Hermione's suspicions were completely inaccurate and that he had... what? Made a mistake? That he'd chant and shake the tambourine and Voldemort would take one look at him, then _Avada-Kedebra_ his ass into oblivion?

Now that it was all over, Harry Potter wasn't entirely sure how he was going to explain it to the Ministry at the hearing. As far as he was aware, there was no such divine supernatural that leveled with his primary, muggle education of a just and omniscient all-powerful being – Except maybe unicorns. Unicorns seemed pretty boss. He scribbled that down in his notes and took a huge gulp of coffee.

Meanwhile, his newly acquired dependent, a now bespectacled scholar, was hunched over a small table in deep concentration. Across from him sat a completely disturbed ginger who hadn't the will to nibble on the cookies Hermione had baked up and placed next to the chessboard.

Though the Order couldn't find a thing wrong with the man, they had wanted to send him to Azkaban until the hearing and before Harry knew it, he was rashly offering their home (that is, Black manor) to the man – after that, they'd figure things out. The plan was to take it a day at a time. The alternative was too unbearable for an altogether innocent man. And, anyways, Harry's conscious would've bothered him if he hadn't acted.

Hermione'd extended the couch a bit and Tom'd been rather happy there even with his legs hanging off the side. For the most part, he took to occupying himself with the most mundane tasks with upmost seriousness. He glanced out the window, stared himself down in the mirror and savored his tea and biscuits as if he was tasting food for the first time. Sometimes he'd get into moods – cabin fever fits, really – where all he wanted was to go somewhere. However, the Order had placed him under house arrest and reminding Tom of this usually simmered him back down. Their only true mishap had been when Tom Riddle had tripped over the ill-posed umbrella stand and then met Sirius's mother, resulting in screams from the man and an influx of praise from the other, who occasionally would call out sweetly for the Dark Lord. The whole episode had sent Tom Riddle hiding in a broom closet for hours until he'd gotten hungry and they were able to lure him back with cookies and hot chocolate.

Not ten minutes into the game, Harry heard Ron's tentative voice cutting through with “Uhm... checkmate?” Ron's pieces all glanced fearfully in his direction; Ron, himself, was braced against the chair. Which was all kind of an improvement from the way Ron had altogether avoided the man a few days earlier. Now here they were bonding!

“Oh, golly!” Tom Riddle chirped, his defeat evident. “Another round?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So..... hey.
> 
> This is a dumb idea I started working on in 2011, back when I primarily wrote crack-fics. Since then, I haven't been able to convince myself to give up the idea, so there you have it, thanks for giving it a shot. More to come!!


	2. Chapter 2

“Aren't you ready to go?” Harry asked, banging on the bathroom door. There was a crash of many bottles, the door finally flinging open to reveal a frazzled victim.

“I miss my hair!” Nightmare of all Nightmares moaned, quite distressed. “I can't go in front of everyone like this after so long and the whole history of it all and-”

“No amount of hair isn't going to improve the whole demonized skeleton look you've got going on!” Harry shouted.

Ignoring him, Tom frowned down at his body and wailed “I've been trying to put on weight, I really have!

“Yes, I've noticed, you're becoming more human-like, but we _have_ to go!”

“But hair!”

“You look better _without_ hair! Please!”

“Have you got a hat?”

“Your trial's in fifteen minutes!” he nearly shrieked. “And you want a bloody hat? You want to go shopping for a bloody _hat_?”

“Yes! Yes, I _do_! If I'm going down, let me go down in _style_!”

To the rescue, Hermione popped up by them. Harry stormed through the open bathroom door and adjusted his tie and hair. “Listen,” she tried for a soothing voice, taking the man's arm. “I've got a sunhat that might work for you. It won't match your suit, but it'll fit this Hawaiian shirt Ron has in his closet, I think. Is that all right?”

“My Honolulu shirt?” Ron said incredulous.

“We'll get you a new one,” Hermione sighed. “Please, just let him wear it.”

Harry gave him a severe “Do not argue” look, mid-toothbrush scrub and Ron sighed dejected. “Yeah, yeah, I'll just go grab that. And I suppose he'll want the khakis too?”

Tom looked delighted and swiveled to Harry. “Can I wear your Crocs? Will that go?”

“They don't go with _anything_!” Harry muttered, all the same not wanting to share his Crocs. But if Ron was giving up his Honolulu shirt, he'd have to bite the bullet and share his beloved Crocs, even if he'd been planning on going with them today.

“I'm still wearing them!” The-Man-Formerly-Called-Voldemort announced.

Exactly twenty minutes late, moreso due to the paperwork, a dazzling sunflower Tom Riddle entered the courtroom and tried smiling reassuringly to the crowd, who, for the most part shrank back.

“Can we continue now?” asked Scrimgeour, presiding judge, Minister of Magic, and whatever else his title afforded him.

“Yes, please!” Tom Riddle called back.

* * *

Harry took a deep breath and looked at his notes. “I've been living with Tom Riddle for the past week and can verify he has reverted from his old identity fully and completely. My best friends and flatmates can further attest to this. They also were present for the ceremony, assisted in the research, and have been living with him this past week as well.”

“How can this be possible?” a very pink woman asked, leaning forward.

“Well.... you know, unicorns-” Harry started.

“Pardon me?”

“What Harry is trying to say-” Hermione immediately cut in, “I mean, what Harry is trying to explain is... there are creatures in the Muggle World which they believe to be mythological, but we know they exist. In the same way, there are creatures that wizards do not recognize that muggles do – and, in this case, these are demons. Demons take on another's bodily vessel and take over to inflict harm.”

“Are you saying Mr. Riddle was under the Imperio his whole life?” Scrimgeour then asked.

“This is nothing like the Imperio,” she said, voice gaining strength. “These _demons_ are invisible to us, but they are their own entity. They do not have their own bodies, they cannot _act_ without a body, but they will do anything to find one, use one, and wreck havoc.”

Ron stepped forward and displayed a crude drawing to the judge, as was his contribution. Scrimgeour recoiled.

And why haven't they affected more magical folk?”

“They could have, for all we know,” Hermione said, “But we suspect that magical creatures are harder to break into. However, those that are young or distraught are... easier targets.”

“Hug your children more,” Harry said solemnly.

The room was alive with murmurs, all looking wildly around for signs of the demons. The judge pulled his eyepiece off and slowly cleaned it. He then replaced it, and cleared his throat.

“The charges that are attributed to Tom Riddle can not be pardoned.”

Tom bowed his head.

“That is, as long as there are no... relapses... Mr. Tom Riddle must commit to a lifetime of community service.”

“Oh, that's... that's it?” Tom Riddle asked.

“Did you want more?” the Minister returned.

“No, no, I'm fine with that.”

“Then details of such will be in a follow-up appointment. Case dismissed.”

The Golden trio let out a whoop-whoop. And then an impromptu, but clever cheer involving a secret handshake and a one-legged hop.

“Can we go dancing?” Tom asked, whirling around to Harry. “Or to the zoo or Hogsmeade or-”

“We are _definitely_ going to zoo,” Ron announced, marching them out of the room. “Let's go!”

Ginny flung herself into Harry's arms from seemingly nowhere, knocking him against the wall. “I think it's time for a celebration,” she murmured, biting his ear with intent.

“Right, so,” Harry murmured around kisses. “Do you guys mind taking him around shopping?”

“So you can defile my sister?” Ron asked.

“So we can renew our love, Ronald,” Ginny nearly sang, grabbing Harry by the arm. “Bye!” And with that, had apparated from the scene.

Tom Riddle watched Harry disappear off sadly and then turned his cheeriness all the way fuck up again for Ron and Hermione.

* * *

While the Golden Trio had won their case, the results had put the Wizarding World in a very difficult position. With the existence of demons now proven - a new magical type - this meant a new cabinet would need to be established in their discovery and research. This involved a _lot_ of paperwork and it meant every current occupant in Azakban would need to be seen again in order to determine whether any of them were, in fact, innocently possessed. This involved even more paperwork.

Furthermore, if demons existed, this meant a number of other things could possibly exist...

For Xenophilius Lovegood, this had the potential to include God.

And God, from what he learned from muggle interviews he had previously conducted, did _not_ like magic.

God would not be thrilled by the witches and wizards that had evaded His wrath in the Burning Trails.

But perhaps another entity might, Mr. Lovegood thought.

And started preparing to invoke Satan himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, Scrimgeour is Minister of Magic, because... hey, dude's cool as hell. Otherwise, you should consider this set between year 6 and 7 and Harry's camping out at Black Manor because he has no reason to return to the Dursleys... and no one is really willing to let Voldemort live with them. I wonder why not... 
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> See you in 2020!


End file.
